Love Versus Lust

Author: PeopleFinders on July 19th, 2019
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(sponsored post, courtesy of Apollonia Ponti)

In today’s modern-day dating world, a lot of us wonder about the difference between lust and love. I’ve seen many couples dive head-first into relationships with the belief that they are deeply in love only to see that it was just lust later down the line. In this article, I will help explain the difference between lust and love and why we question it so much these days.

How to tell the difference between lust and love

Lust is a powerful physical attraction to someone. More than that, the physical attraction can take over the reality of how a relationship could be with this person (what I like to call the “down-to-earth” feeling that this person can give you).

When you’re in a lusting relationship, a lot of your emotions are riding on the feeling of the relationship. It’s such a high that you can find yourself  addicted to it. And you might think, “Is this too good to be true?”

Typically, lusting relationships happen when someone was never taught to love themselves first, or to seek external validation from another person to feel loved. Why do I say this? Lust is something that typically happens in the first moments. And everything happens so fast: you bring this person into your life quickly and fully without taking the time to learn what’s beneath the surface.

Now, let’s talk about love. In a loving relationship, things can still happen fast. But here is the difference. It’s just not based on the physical, and you can 100% be yourself. There is typically no blockage of jealousy or attachment. And commitment tends to happen at a natural pace, since you prioritize your life before putting someone else before it.

In a lusting relationship, you typically drop your life for a while, and put someone else before it.

But in a loving relationship, the attraction is built from values and boundaries. And the idea of the both of you being together is something that is worked on. But it is not something that is expected in the beginning, not until both of you know and understand each other, which takes time.

Is one better than the other?

I always say, it depends on what you’re looking for in life at a given moment in time. Some may find that they have an avoidant attachment style, where they consciously or subconsciously choose lust because of the fear of commitment. But then some people want to have a family or have a lifelong partner, so this is when love is essential.

Can you have both in a relationship?

The short answer is “no.” Either you love your partner, or you lust over someone. When you are in a healthy relationship, lust does not play a role. Attraction and seduction may when it comes to sexual energy in your relationship. But when it comes to healthy relationships, lust is nowhere to be found.

Remember, lust is a powerful sexual desire. Now, I’m not saying that you can’t have an amazing sex life with your partner, and have a strong sexual desire for them. Because I hope you do! But lust comes from a form of idolization. Simply put, placing someone on a pedestal or thinking that they are better than you.

The most important thing that you have to remember when you start to seek love is to understand that your heart and time are not offered freely. And it takes time to really understand who you have in front of you.

You can, of course, extend love to someone as a helping hand. But never give your heart or soul freely to someone else with the intent for them to fix something within you. Find someone who motivates you in life, makes you a better person, and challenges you to live in integrity. Make sure they treat you with respect, and that their values align with yours.

This article was written in collaboration with dating and relationship coach Apollonia Ponti. You can find out more about her at www.apolloniaponti.com.

And for more advice and tips on relationships, be sure to check out the other articles available on the PeopleFinders blog.

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Categorized in: Relationships